


Routine

by undisguised



Category: Archer (Cartoon)
Genre: F/M, Pre-Season 1, mentions of sex... and boners, minor appearance from Pam and Ray
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-03
Updated: 2019-01-03
Packaged: 2019-10-03 19:44:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17290223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/undisguised/pseuds/undisguised
Summary: Lana changes her hair.





	Routine

Archer had seen Lana in all her facets.  

However, this one was new. Her brown afro ceased to exist and now he actually looked taller than her.  

She looked... great. He was shocked, kind of, because he has never seen her this way but at the same time, she could look amazing even if she dressed up like an alligator. Top-tier compliment, he knows. 

He wondered what it would be like to run his fingers through her hair, preferably while she was under him, eyes closed, mumbling his name; sure, he had been with countless straight-haired women, but this was Lana he was talking about.  

“Is that a boner?” Ray looked at him up and down, trying to suppress a mocking laugh by taking a drag of his cigarette.  

“Shut up, Ray,” Archer snarled, while swirling his drink, ice cubes floating around, but his eyes still fixated on her. “You’re jealous it isn’t because of you.” 

Ray scowled and blew smoke his way. He knew how much he hated when he did that, but Archer wasn’t going to give him the benefit of getting riled up because of him. Not when he had more important matters to attend to, hopefully in the janitor’s closet, or the women’s bathroom if that wasn’t an option. 

“So...” Archer slid up next to Lana, a couple of droplets of Bourbon spilling in the carpet.  

Lana ignored him and kept talking to Pam, who was blabbing on and on about how she ended up in jail the night before.  

“Lana.” 

“...” 

“ _...And then I kicked him in the crotch and he had to go to the hospital..._ ” 

Archer cleared his throat. “ _Lana_.” 

“...” 

“... _But then a homeless woman grabbed me by the arm and said that I had to throw a curse otherwise_...” 

“Lanaaa.” 

“...” 

“... _but it was_ _too_ _late, and the cops had to be carried out by a couple of gay strippers out of_...” 

Okay, he didn’t want it to come to this (that was a lie, he loved doing this) but he yelled at the top of his lungs, “LANAAA!”. 

“What?! What do you want Archer?!” She stomped her leather boot on the ground and crossed her arms under her chest.  

He was going to talk but his eyes were stuck on her chest. He forgot what words were for a moment until Pam smacked him in the head before Lana could punch him. “Dickhead... You interrupted my story!” 

He huffed. “Come on, you always end up in jail whenever the strippers find out you’re a straight woman!” Archer downed the rest of his drink in a single gulp. Once he was done, he took a flask of scotch out of his suit. 

Lana rolled her eyes. “Okay... I'm just going to go.” 

“No, stay!” He yelled out, a little too desperate than what he intended. His boner was already dying down but he was sure he could salvage it. “Pam leave!” 

“Aw, but it was just getting good,” She said in disappointment as she lowered the camera she had recently gotten out of her purse.  

“Well, Krieger is probably trying to suck his own dick right now, go film that for your blog!” His boner completely gave out the moment he finished his sentence.  

Pan pondered silently before she went to the lab. Lana stood there, one eyebrow raised, arms still crossed. Archer tried to stare anywhere else, otherwise he would succumb to the hypnotizing power of her big- 

“Archer!” Lana yanked his face upwards to meet hers. “Up here.” 

He gulped. “Sorry, you know I can’t help it.” Well, to his favor he got his boner back.  

“What do you want?”  

“I was wondering if we’re still on for Tonight.” Archer smirked while pouring the content of his flask on the glass. “I had a few things in mind that we could try...” He trailed of as he realized she wasn’t listening.  

Her hard features softened slowly until she erupted into laughter.  

He frowned. “What’s so funny Lana?!” 

“Because you idiot! There’s no tonight!” 

“Okay... then tomorrow.” 

She frowned again, fists clenching. “No, Archer, there’s not a tomorrow either. We broke up two days ago! Remember?” 

Sudden realization crossed his mind. He must have forgotten all about that day after the third bottle of champagne. In a drunken bender, Archer forgot he had gotten back together with Lana and during a mission he proceeded to have sex with a Swedish pro-tennis player named Karoline, then, he also forgot that he had been caught and given a black eye by Lana’s massive she-hulk hands. That explains the black eye he woke up with yesterday... and why she hadn’t answered her phone.  

Oh... it also explains the new hairstyle. “Wait, so you changed your appearance because of me?” 

“Don’t think too highly of yourself,” she said with a bitter grimace. “With you out of my life I needed another change to focus on rather than your pathetic ass.” 

“How could you do this to me?!”  

Lana raised an eyebrow in confusion. “ _Do_ _what?_ ” 

Suddenly, a choked-up sob came out of archer. This was so embarrassing but he couldn’t stop. Lana’s eyes softened at his sudden unexpected expression of vulnerability and held him in his arms as he sobbed in his chest. Pam definitely was missing out. 

“Hey,” Lana muttered softly while rubbing his back. “It’s okay, you know we can still be... friends, I guess.” 

Archer’s cries suddenly stopped and he looked up at her. “Wait... you think I'm crying because of _you_?”  

“Then what the hell are you crying for?” She spewed out between gritted teeth.  

“Because how else am I supposed to relieve this!” He pointed to his pants.  

Archer could see his life flashing before his eyes as he observed Lana’s contorted face, despite her dark skin, she turned red in anger and a vein popped out of her neck after hardly clenching her teeth. 

Somehow the danger was making him even harder.  

She raised her hand, then lowered it. “You know what,” she groaned. “I don’t know why I even bother.” She moved past him pushing his shoulder, he suppressed a pained moan; he had been shot in that shoulder two weeks ago, by none other than Lana, and it was healing very very slowly.  

“Wait,” Archer said while crutching his shoulder. Lana had been far enough but she stopped and turned. She looked at him, waiting for him to speak up. Archer scratched the back of his neck and gazed at the floor, then back at her. “Um... you look really beautiful. I mean, you always do but... you know what I mean.” 

Lana stared back at him, face blank. Archer grinned sheepishly.  

She let out and exasperated sigh and made her way to Malory’s office.  

Well, that was a mess. _Whatever_ , he wasn’t going to give up until he had his fingers in her hair.

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know about all of you but it's hard to write Lana and Archer's relationship. Also, there may be some writing errors because I didn't check this out before submitting, sorry!


End file.
